I Love you but…

MARRIAGE & LOVE

(A Different Perspective)

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IS IT WEIRD TO BE A CAREER WOMAN?
DO ALL WOMEN DREAM OF THEIR WEDDING OR A WEDDING?
SINGLE LIFE AND WHAT WE LEAVE BEHIND?
HOW DO YOU KNOW ITS LOVE?

“Coming together is a beautiful beginning, Growing together can be a rough process but working a lifetime together is happiness and success unimaginable” 

MARRIAGE-PIC

MARRIAGE

Many looks at marriage as the biggest milestone in one’s life or a step that has to be taken at a certain time to prove a lived life. Meet me at the alter if you require wifely duties is also what some women ooze to the surface of their skin.

WAIT! BEFORE WE REACH THE ALTER

PLEASE TO DO YOUR DUE DILIGENCE 

It’s been said that most young girls dream of their wedding day, Plan and pick out all that they think they would like the day to be (Well, guess something was wrong with me). As the younger me was never that girl(no doll-house, pretend mommy and daddy fun), you could say I was a tomboy. Don’t get me wrong I liked boys like the regular girl, but I was the awkward, nerdy, tomboy as well(sexy nerd if I  do say so myself).

Fast- Forward to my late teen years, I was now, a flirty tomboy, I was always among the males of the group, assisting them to write love letters, counsel relationships drama, being the wing girl to both genders all the while clueless to crushes /puppy loves I had along the way. Slowly I got introduce to a deeper meaning of relationship and marriage as I grew older, especially since some of my female friends top priority was to be married.

Storytime ya now!

I remember the first time I thought about marriage, this was around the 2 year mark of my first serious boyfriend. I was seriously in love(Well, what I was feeling was serious in my head). He had written me a letter (can we get those days back though). He spoke of his love and affection and his growth within the relationship and all he wanted us, to achieve in with our lasting union, it was also the time I learn how life can just rain on your parade (yes, I still have the letter).  He mentions his hopes and dreams for our future and it hit me!

Marriage and its duties, do I even want to be catering to someone like that?

Plus, I’m never leaving my momma house, right?

Like I got it good here!

Like I’m good where we at now, you come and you go, we hang out, we have fun and I see you next time. Call me, maybe!? I doubt he knew but I must have read that letter 50 million times, scared shitless. When he called later that day, I was game. I was ready! Mind you I never really thought it all through including the babies part and all.  It was just us against the world( what are babies? what do you even do with them?) Naively we continued the relationship  for three more years, I think he realized  I was beyond my years in certain knowledge  but was still not yet matured, as we encounter our ups and downs and so the relationship ended. We were at different stages of our life anyways and would’ve eventually grown apart. It’s what I kept telling myself at least.

It’s crazy how life works, He was my High school puppy love, then I met my college sweetheart. I was 19- 20 at the time, we started off rocky but quickly became so fond of each other. It’s a pretty funny story how we met(that’s for another story time) but he was my second time, second time thinking about marriage. I thought about the whole nine yards, marriage, babies, moving in, everything and I got the butterflies( mind you I was never the baby fever girl, but them butterflies knew more than me). It’s weird how you feel a connection but you aren’t able to pinpoint what it is  but I felt it ( he got my real name on the first try, that was a first) A girl who lived by alias her whole life, if you didn’t meet me in school or knew me from church, you wasn’t getting my real  name(weird, I know). He did and we’ve been together 10 + years, unwed, and with a smart 2-year-old baby girl later. So you know we have been getting the ” unno nah tie the knot now man” ” just get married and done” and my reply is always” on God’s time”. But if I’m, to be honest, I sometimes succumb to peer pressure/inner consciousness or the fact that I want it all behind us and become as annoying as a fly when you want to sleep in his ears. I even suggested that we could just go to the registrar, or a small ceremony because we ain’t rich and I would much rather an epic honeymoon. To my surprise, he said “No” he wants a wedding, like a good traditional wedding with his family and friends (I was like, should we have switch lines or something).  However, this all required some level of funds which we currently don’t  have, plus in our heads, a foundation is much more important.

Marriage is a lot of work, takes a lot of strength and compromise, it’s not all sexy time and “vaca till back burn”(while that can be surely enjoyed).If we are being logical, most people run in too fast or too late and still make the wrong decision in partners. I wish there was a logic or manual to this but there isn’t. I only can say, that my wait isn’t because I think its the way to go, or it helps in your quest for Mr. Right, It because a foundation is much more needed on both ends, that if we do fall apart, it makes sure we don’t fall off.

Anything is possible in life, so we have to stay ready that we don’t have to get ready

We had to keep living while making this foundation and so, we had a baby girl. So now, that foundation is, even more, a priority than it was before. Every Girl wants to be married, and now I have become one of those girls (still with cold feet as women get that too). With all the what if’s,  Is he the one? Will it be enough? Will I  regret it later? Is his sex good enough to get stuck with it for the rest of my life? Will he be a good husband/father?  like these questions are important. Ha! I sit here and look at all the lasting relationships I know, ones I admire and the ones I hear about and the one thing is for sure, these question won’t ever have the perfect answer, as nothing in life is perfect and the trials will come. He will not be the man you love all the time and she will not be the woman you want to be around on some days and if after all that is said and done, you still find love in your heart for that person and they are the first person you want to run tell a joke, your daily activities and last person you think of at night, then there is hope for the dreams of lifetime together, as that’s the only way to get there.

   “THE EXCHANGE OF INTIMACY, ENERGIES, AND PASSION,  A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS”

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LOVE

I know a lot of people think love is sex and spending quality time with your significant other in a fairy-tale of no arguments, everyone is playing their perfect role and the other person never looks at the opposite sex unless they are looking at you. I also know a lot of people believe that there is this one perfect someone that does all this for all the others you tried to love did the opposite. Well, don’t let life be the one to wake you up in your late 40’s looking like Mary Jane hunny!! That fairyland doesn’t exist, we are humans before anything else and we can’t even trust ourselves to be honest with the person we tried to be, want to become all the time, but we expect our soulmate, one and only to somehow be this perfect?. I don’t get the logic sometimes, no I’m not saying that love is suffering a bit and settling, Never!!! Well Maybe(if we follow relationships today)

Love however though, is patient, kind, doesn’t envy boast or dishonor others. It’s not self-seeking, easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs. It doesn’t delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, trust and preserves. Love never fails but where they are prophecies, they will cease, where there are tongues, they will be still and where there is knowledge, it will pass away.  For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.

I want you to read that over, not just stop at love never fail. Understand that while love is all these things, prophecies have to be fulfilled, tongues will meet, love will cease and where knowledge is gain, these things will no longer be your focus. Understand that we know in part, we speak in part and until the completeness and full circle of life comes, that’s the only time the in part knowledge we have will become whole. Not to preach or anything but love is deeper, the intimacy of love doesn’t only cover sex(who would believe me, the way I talk about sex) but its true, its communication, conversation,  appreciation, forgiving, learning/unlearning, accepting, and understanding (the parts that are hidden from us in all these relationships we watch and admire and even with our parents) . We have to build on that, speak with our spouses daily, make them feel like they are appreciated, they look good and are wanted. not just come home looking for sex/money/company every night, that will lead to the individual looking elsewhere and getting confused and misplacing the love they have for you.( Be mindful that they can still go look elsewhere and still treat you like a queen, love isn’t down to a science)

Intimacy calls for a deeper level of love, It calls for a raw openness, honesty, and respects for each other. You have to let your partner feel like they’re not missing anything and not want to go outside that relationship and even if they do want to, they should be able, to be honest, open and respectable about it with you. I  believe that love is accepting the truth and lies of it all that comes with the relationship and still be able to maturely be there mentally, physically, emotionally and financially by your partner side. Becoming one, understanding the in and outs of that individual and providing that as to ensure all is good(whether you are still together at this point or not). This is another level of intimacy and energy that allows a woman to stand out, that create an aura of irresistibility around some women. They can be your backbone but they also have the backbone to stand with you, for you, to you or love you from a distance while doing what she has to for her. That level of intimacy becomes a fiery passion and the sex is just bonus( I love intimacy where they can just breathe on your neck to excite you). Energy is crazy to me, I love passion and to be able to experience that in love is just amazing and to push it further while lovemaking is such a limited thing these days. Building this intimacy comes over time and is truly the lasting kind.

Love is a crazy state of mind, I believe love is allowing someone to see you naked, mentally, psychically, emotionally and financially knowing it a risk to not be loved back equally but still taking the dive, it’s unconditionally and its all the bad things too.

I can’t say,  that waiting or not waiting changes anything or the flow of love one gets.m If he cheats or doesn’t cheat. If you will have 1o years of marriage or a lifetime together.  Because, with love, all I can say is, shit happens either way. What I can say is, love is more about you, your growth and maturity, that’s is what will determine the level and the treatments you accept or engage with. Your life won’t end either way if make sure your foundations are set and you have a game plan to work with or build on after a break-up or divorce. Sometimes, I swear we be picky as hell and still pick wrong, so just live life and enjoy the memories you make along the way, it will all work itself out, hopefully, Ha!

True love isn’t found,

it’s built.

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6 Comments

    1. Trust me, it is so easy to lose your individuality and sense of self when you don’t know either. Ad well as be focus on the wrong things and if it ends you don’t know where to go or who to be.

      Like

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